There’s something parents don’t talk about, a silent epidemic some aren’t even aware of, so I’ve decided in this column I’m coming clean for all of us.
I’ve uncovered a curse that affects mums and dads, it’s fast, it’s vicious. It’s the circle of judgement. Beware anyone who dare enter the ring for you are tempting a lesson in tit for tat karma, and she’s a spiteful one.
This is one of the ways it appears: you are pre-children, coupled up and out to dinner at your favourite neighbourhood Italian restaurant when you notice two parents happily eating with both kids tuned out of the table into iPads while they eat. You give each other a smug knowing look later agreeing that would never be you. But then, it is!
Cut to years later, you’re trying to grab bites of a restaurant meal after a long plane flight, there are kids hanging off both of your arms, your toddler is taking gasps between tantrum screams so you decide to thrust a screen his way, relieved to have reclaimed silence while you shovel food into both your mouths. You do it again another night when he’s calm because it’s nice not to worry about packing colouring in.
I get slapped by one of these truths weekly if not daily, followed by a sharp jab of shame I’ve ever judged anyone who’s done this before me. Sometimes they’re big realisations, sometimes they’re small but it has made me notice how easy it is to revert to a place of fear when parenting. Having kids is scary. Knowing they are modelling your worst behaviours as well as your best is daunting. So when we see someone blatantly “doing it wrong” we rush to smugly pigeonhole to make ourselves feel better. I have, and sadly still do if I’m in a bad place myself. Except now I know how to break the judgement spell. I take a breath and know that whatever behaviour I’m judging, I’ll likely find myself in the same position in a week, month or year’s time, so lighten up, buttercup.
